


Kat's Polygrumps Ficlets

by VoidWhereProhibited (Kattywompus)



Category: Game Grumps
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Healthy Polyamory, Infidelity, M/M, Multi, Other, Polygrumps, Prompt Fic, you guys request some ansgty stuff!
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-28
Updated: 2018-02-28
Packaged: 2019-03-25 04:43:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 7,330
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13826733
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kattywompus/pseuds/VoidWhereProhibited
Summary: Fic prompts requested by folks on tumblr! Ship and prompt in chapter name, additional warnings posted per chapter.Check to see if I'm taking prompts: http://gamegoobers.tumblr.com





	1. "Say it!" (Egobang)

“Say it.”

Dan lay next to Arin in the darkness. Arin couldn’t see him, but he could feel him, every inch of him, and his body burned as he imagined Dan’s eyes boring holes into the back of his skull.

“Say it!” Dan repeated, firmer this time.

“Fine,” Arin admitted, turning over to face Dan.

He could feel the bed shift under him, and with it, their bodies bump against each other. His skin lit up, on fire with the touch, but nothing hurt as much as feeling the words leave his mouth.

“I might have fucked up with the rooms.”

“Fucking thank you!” Dan exhaled, as though it were the most obvious thing in the world. “That’s all I wanted.”

“Look, to be fair, I didn’t realize ‘double’ meant one standard bed. I thought it meant…”

“Two beds?” Dan finished for him.

Arin could feel Dan’s breath on his face, hot and sweet, and fought the urge to flinch away. As though he ever would have done this on purpose. Dan’s body was inches away, and he was practically dangling off the edge of it to avoid the older man’s body heat. The hairs on the back of his neck stood up every time Dan’s breath brushed over his skin.

“Europe is weird,” Arin says, ignoring the irritation in Dan’s voice.

“Don’t blame this on being in a foreign country,” Dan replied, this time with a small laugh.

Arin scowled, suppressing a shudder as Dan’s breathy laugh whispered past his ear.

“Are you suggesting I did this on purpose?”

He was two inches from Dan’s nose. They were practically touching.

Dan shrugged.

The room was so dark, and the blinds were down, there was no moon, and Arin couldn’t see anything, but he imaged that if he could, Dan would be smiling. That shit eating half smile he did when he just couldn’t keep it inside. He fought the urge to just lean in and check with his own lips that Dan wasn’t grinning away and stopped himself as the last second. 

“Why would I do that, Dan?” he asked. He was aiming for cold, but his voice almost trembled as he struggled to keep it steady.

“I don’t know, Arin.”

He knew.

“Say it,” Arin breathed.

“Maybe…” Dan’s voice was a whisper. “You wanted to share a bed with me.”  
Arin could barely choke out the words.

“And why would I–”

But before he could finish, there was Dan, pressing on top of him, lips and teeth and tongue and all pressing against Arin’s lips, and he gasped into the man’s kiss. Arin struggled under him for a moment and then gave in, realizing he really had nothing left to say.


	2. Nightmare (Egobang)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompt: “I don’t know why I’m crying” & “I had a nightmare about you and I just wanted to make sure you’re okay.”

Dan is gasping when he wakes up, sitting up straight in the darkness.

He can’t remember anything else. Just panic. In his dream, he was trying to scream, but the sound wouldn’t come out. He opened his mouth, but it was just air, like someone had clawed their hand tight around his throat.

It takes a few seconds for him to remember the nightmare, but as he looks over at Arin, laying next to him, it comes in a jolt. 

He was dead. Arin was dead. Dan saw it, clear as day. Had it been a dream? But it had seemed so real…

Dan’s heart starts to race again. He stares at Arin, watching his chest, carefully calculating; is it moving? Is he breathing? Dan can feel his breath catch in his throat as he reaches over for Arin’s hand, resting quietly on the mattress between them. 

It’s cold.

And Dan starts to panic. 

He puts his hand on Arin’s shoulder, but after a second he still can’t feel Arin breathing, so he pulls himself closer, shaking Arin lightly. Still no response. He inhales sharply, biting his lips until he feels like they’re going to bleed, shaking Arin again, harder this time. The seconds tick away like hours, like years passing. Dan grips Arin’s shoulder tighter and shakes yet again, violently this time. He can feel a sob rising up inside of him, trying to escape.

“Mmm, stop,” Arin complains, pulling himself out of Dan’s vice grip. 

Dan releases the breath he didn’t realize he was holding, his eyes suddenly filling with tears. 

“I’m sorry,” he says, laying down closer to Arin. Now, pulling himself next to him, he can feel the younger man’s breathing, his chest rising and falling in a steady rhythm. “Go back to sleep, baby. I’m so sorry.”

“Are you okay?” Arin asks sleepily, turning over from his back to face Dan. His eyes are shining in the darkness.

“Yeah,” Dan says, but as he’s speaking he can feel the tears spill out onto his cheeks and the pillow, and Arin reaching up to brush them away. 

“You sure?”

Arin’s voice is soft and distant, he’s so tired, but he’s there. He’s solid and tangible and alive, living and breathing and talking, right now.

And Dan leans in and kisses him, tears and all. 

“I’m just so fucking glad you’re alive,” he says, once he pulls away. He wipes his tears off of Arin’s face, where he left them. 

“You too,” Arin says, sounding confused but happy.

“I don’t know why I’m crying,” Dan says. He can hear the exasperation in his voice. “I just… I just fucking love you, you know? I don’t ever want to lose you.”

“You won’t,” Arin replies, wrapping his arms around Dan’s waist before starting to doze off again. “I’m right here.”


	3. "I could kiss you right now!" (Egobang)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I could kiss you right now!”

“I could kiss you right now,” Arin says, grinning sidelong at Dan. 

The man’s eyebrows shoot up, disappearing into his mane, his eyes slightly panicked as he turns his head. When he finds Arin’s gaze, he looks affronted. 

“Arin,” he mouths, without making a sound.

“What?” Arin asks, his grin widening. He quickly glances at the timer, watching the seconds tick away. “We have some time.”

Dan raises his eyebrows again and makes A Face, gesturing significantly at the pause screen in front of them. 

“It’s paused,” Arin replies, trying to keep from laughing. 

“We’re recording,” Dan mutters, finally breaking; speaking, but not very loudly. He leans over to put his face near Arin’s so he can whisper softly. “You really wanna do this right now?”

“I can’t help it,” Arin whispers back, turning his head so that his nose bumps against Dan’s face. “You look so good today.”

Dan pulls back a bit and adjusts. He’s wearing his glasses today, and their closeness must have unsettled them from his face. Arin watches as Dan places one finger on the middle of his glasses and presses them back up the bridge of his nose. 

He’s fucking irresistable. Arin presses in quickly, almost knocking the glasses off Dan’s face, planting a hungry kiss on Dan’s lips. Dan responds with shock and then eagerness, and Arin can feel him suppressing a smile. 

After a moment, Dan pulls away for air.

“You can’t do this during recording,” Dan complains, running his hand through his hair in that way he does when Arin is getting him worked up. Just seeing it sets Arin’s heart to fluttering, thinking about the effect his behavior is having on his boyfriend. 

“Then you have to stop looking like you do,” Arin counters, flipping himself off the couch so that he’s on his knees in front of Dan. When he brings himself up, he’s almost the same height as Dan is sitting, and he reaches in and starts kissing Dan’s neck.

“What are you talking about?” Dan says. He’s struggling to get the words out between Arin’s assault. “I look like shit today. My glasses, ratty t-shirt, shitty jeans…”

Arin is nibbling at the spot where Dan’s neck meets his collarbone when he pulls away and looks at the man seriously. 

“I love your glasses. They’re fucking hot,” he says.

Then he leans in and kisses Dan’s temples, just above the glasses. Then he kisses below them, and down Dan’s jaw, and his neck, and his Adam’s apple, and he places a very soft kiss right in the hollow of his collar bone. 

“And I love your shirt,” he continues, hooking the collar of the t-shirt with a finger and pulling it down, kissing all the skin he can find. Dan’s head is thrown back, and he’s stopped arguing, but Arin doesn’t stop. When he runs out of skin above the shirt, he moves farther down and starts kissing Dan’s arms. His shoulder, the inside of his elbow, his wrist. He kisses each of Dan’s fingertips, making the man whimper in his seat.

“Arin–” Dan starts, but Arin cuts him off, moving down even more. 

“I love your ratty old jeans,” he says, finding the hole in the knee and kissing there. To his surprise, Dan jerks away, sensitive to the touch, and Arin beams, moving to the other leg, kissing and nibbling there too. “I love seeing every single inch of you that you allow me to see.”

“I get it, Arin,” Dan whines. His voice is ragged. “You love to kiss me all over.”

“Oh no, Dan,” Arin says beaming, as he stands to turn off the capture. “That was not me kissing you all over. I still have so much of your body left to kiss.”


	4. Seduction (Rubberbang)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “If I didn’t know any better, I’d say you were trying to seduce me.”

The shadows around them flickered as Ross lit the last candle, holding the lighter up to the wick until it sparked to life. He pushed it to the side, throwing the light wildly across the walls as he worked to distribute all the candles evenly to brighten the room.

“That’s all of them, I think,” he said, returning to a sitting position in front of Dan. Casually, he started to lean against the floor pouf that Dan was perched on.

“You think? You mean you don’t know?” Dan asked jokingly. He sought Ross’s eyes in the dark, and found them squinting back at him, contemplating. 

“Why would I know?” Ross asked, suspicious.

“What, you’re saying you didn’t orchestrate this whole thing? The dinner, the blackout?”

Dan was glad Ross couldn’t see his expression in the dark. It made him much easier to tease.

“How would I even do that?” the younger man asked, incredulous. “I had no idea everyone was going to cancel on dinner, and besides, you can’t plan a blackout…”

“Are you sure?” Dan continued, enjoying being the one doing the trolling for once. “If I didn’t know any better, I’d say you were trying to seduce me.”

Ross sighed, flopping back onto Dan’s squishy seat, watching the musician upside down. 

“I’m always trying to seduce you, Danny,” he said. 

He sounded like a child. Like he was pouting. Dan barely bit back a chuckle and fought the bizarre urge to run his hand through Ross’s hair. Instead, he moved over in his seat and patted the spot next to him.

“Okay, buddy,” he said. “You wanna scoot on up here?”

“I"m serious,” Ross insisted, twisting his head around to try and get a better view of Dan. His brown hair fell over his eyes and he blew it out of his face. “I do everything I can to try and get your attention, but you never seem to notice me.”

This time, Dan really did laugh out loud. The thought of Ross actually trying to flirt with him was too absurd. ‘

“Oh, yeah,” Dan said sarcastically, voicing his thoughts. “You’ve always been trying to get into my pants. That’s why you act… the way you do.”

“I do!” Ross huffed. With a loud sigh, he flipped over, holding himself on his hands and knees, looking Dan directly in the face. “That’s exactly right!”

Dan faltered, his smile dropping for a second before returning. 

Ross couldn’t be serious. He was just trying to fuck with Dan, as usual. Well, Dan wasn’t going to fall for it.

“Well, I gotta say, it’s a brilliant plan,” Dan said, shrugging. “Being snippy and annoying and always trying to get on my last nerve. You’ve really done a bang up job winning me over.”

Dan watched Ross’s reaction carefully.

“I try to be nice,” Ross said, softly. The fire in his eyes had dimmed a bit, and for a moment he looked like he’d been slapped. Dan wrenched his eyes away guiltily, trying to ignore the pang in his chest he felt at the thought of hurting Ross.

The he remembered it was a game. 

“Nice,” Dan repeated. “So that you can get into my pants.”

“Not just your pants, but yeah,” Ross said, shrugging. His whole body shifted, and for a second, Dan was painfully aware of just how close Ross was to him, leaning forward on all fours and looking straight into Dan’s eyes. Dan licked his lips nervously.

“I don’t believe you,” Dan said, finally. “This is just you being stupid.”

“I’m being serious!”

In the shimmering candlelight, Dan could just make out Ross’s expression. His eyes had narrowed, and he looked irritated. Angry. He was biting his lip with a determination Dan wasn’t sure he’d ever seen before.

“Sure, and I’m–”

But before Dan could say what he was, Ross was there, right on top of him, pressing his body and lips and everything against him.

Dan tried to jerk away, but Ross was ready for him, running his fingers through Dan’s hair and gripping tightly, pulling Dan closer. Dan was overwhelmed by the power of it, by Ross’s raw need, and soon he felt himself giving in and kissing back, their tongues and mouths clashing together in a way Dan never knew he wanted. He’d never thought of Ross that way before, not really. But now that he’d tasted it, he never wanted to let it go. 

Ross tried to pull away, but Dan wouldn’t let him, gripping him by the shoulders and pulling him closer. Their bodies crushed into each other, battling for supremacy, back and forth.

Then, they both gave up and pulled away. The sat there, crumpled on the floor like little balls of paper, gasping across from one another. 

Finally, Dan spoke.

“You’re really terrible at seduction, you know that?”

Ross grinned. 

“Hey, it worked, didn’t it?”


	5. Stealing Glances (Egobang)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I see the way you look at me when you think I'm not looking."

He’s not afraid. 

Arin catches him looking all the time. Dan will gaze at him at work, he watches him when the go out to eat, Arin catches his head turning away quickly when they’re recording. Arin will be chatting will Ross in the halls, and they’ll walk by Dan and Brian, talking band stuff, and Arin will peek out of the corner of his eye and there’s Dan, just watching him. And when Arin turns to look back, Dan’s looking away again.

And Arin’s heart starts beating. Every time he catches Dan looking, it drums just a little bit faster. It’s starting to get hard to breathe now.

But he’s not afraid.

He’s not scared of what it could mean. He’s not terrified to let himself imagine that it could be anything other than idle curiosity, that Dan has any motive for looking at him that is anything other than platonic. He certainly doesn’t lay awake at night, dreading the thought that Dan could have feelings for him.  
Feelings that Arin wouldn’t even reciprocate, of course. Because his own feelings for Dan were just friendly.

Obviously. 

One day, on a whim, Arin decides he’ll keep track. He’ll just watch Dan, and see how much of this is in his head, and when he confirms that it’s all a crazy daydream he’s made up, he’ll be able to go back to functioning like an actual human being. 

The first time, it could be an accident. Dan is eating lunch at the table, and Arin is just staring. He’s trying not to look like someone who is staring at his best friend, so his phone is out and he’s scrolling through his news, but he’s not really reading it. His eyes are fixed on Dan, who is looking at his own phone, a pair of headphones in his ears. 

And then he looks up and meets Arin’s eyes.

They both look away quickly, shocked by the eye contact. Arin can feel the blush burning its way up his cheeks, but he forces himself to look back. He’ll never know if Dan is looking at him if he doesn’t look at Dan first.

With a shock, he realizes that Dan is looking back too, eyes nervous. He glances away again, but this time Arin holds steady. He keeps his eyes on his friend.

The next few hours go like this. No matter what he’s doing, Arin makes sure he’s always keeping an eye on Dan, and it seems as though Dan has the same goal. Arin catches him once with this pitiful look on his face, like he’s letting out a long sigh. Dan refuses to meet his gaze again, instead always looking away like it never happened. 

The first few times, his heart started racing and he couldn’t think. His mind was filled with Dan’s face and eyes and he cursed himself for this ridiculous plan. But now, as it continues, he’s starting to enjoy himself. He starts flashing a smile everytime Dan glances his way. One time, he sticks his tongue out and Dan buries a smile, looking away before Arin can see him laugh. Arin is beginning to think he could do this forever. 

And that doesn’t scare him. No way. Why would it scare him? Just because he’s starting to feel like he needs to look at Dan, like he has to keep his eyes on him or he’ll disappear. That Dan will just fade away. That’s a totally normal thing for a normal dude to feel in a normal friendship, right? Nothing scary about that. 

So he’ll keep watching. Because he’s not afraid.


	6. "Hold me back!" (Egobang)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Hold me back!”
> 
> Content warning: verbal harassment, mild physical violence, someone being told to kill themselves.

“Hey, Danny Sexcuck, go kill yourself!”

The call rang out over the river of people in the alleyway, pressed up against the stage door. The crowd was three rows deep, but Arin spotted the offending heckler immediately. He stood near the front, tall and imposing, all in black. He was beaming right past Arin, at Dan.

Arin glanced back. Dan’s smile had faltered a bit, but he continued to beam and wave at the fans as they passed through. He could tell the man was exhausted after their show.

“Game Grumps was better before you joined. Why don’t you just quit?” the man yelled as they neared.

Arin knew he shouldn’t engage, but he couldn’t help himself. 

“Oh shit, dude, sick burn,” he said, his voice thick with sarcasm. “Now we’ll have to retire.“ 

Arin felt a slight sense of satisfaction as the man looked surprised by his answer, but it faded as he snapped back.

“What, you mad, bro?” the troll asked. “Did I insult your boyfriend?”

Arin rolled his eyes and sighed theatrically. 

“Oh yeah, hold me back!” Arin replied, all irony. “Is that really the best you can do? ‘You mad bro?’ Your best comeback came from a slogan they sold on t-shirts at the mall three years ago?" 

He tried to press forward, but the security at the end of the alley wasn’t budging. He tried to catch their attention, but they seemed distracted with dispursing the crowd. He took a few more steps toward the waiting car before he couldn’t move anymore.

Arin glanced back at Dan to gauge his reaction. He was quiet, and his smile had fallen somewhat, but he looked otherwise unbothered.

"Like you ever came up with anything better,” the stranger snarked. He was moving with them, trying to keep up with them against the crowd. The people to his left and right were giving him room, watching him warily. 

“Hey, guy, c'mon, let’s calm down,” Dan said, cutting in for the first time. 

Arin looked at him, eyebrows raised. 

“We’re all friends here,” Dan continued, smiling at the stranger.

The man looked Danny square in the eyes, set his jaw, and spit in his face.

A couple of things happened at once. The crowd gasped; those who had seen what had happened stood dumbstruck, and those who hadn’t were pushing forward, trying to catch a look. Dan reeled back in shock, covering his face with his hands and yelling “fuck!” The security guard behind them rushed forward, trying to get between Dan and the stranger. 

And Arin pulled back his arm and punched him. 

The crowd exploded. Security finally got between them, but the damage was done; Arin clutched his fist, which was throbbing. The two security officers in the front of the line rushed them out and into their car, which had just pulled up. Arin was vaguely aware of being shoved into the backseat before the door closed and the car started driving. 

There was silence in the car as Arin and Dan processed what had just happened. Neither of them looked at the other. Arin began to understand for the first time the full meaning of the word “speechless.”

Dan broke the silence.

“Fuck, dude,” he said, breathless.

“Are you okay?” Arin asked immediately. 

“Are YOU okay?” Dan retorted, half laughing. “You just decked a guy.”

Arin looked at Dan. His eyes were wild and his hair was all over the place, but otherwise, he looked fine. He looked back at his hand, clutched against his chest. It was red and throbbing. 

“My hand hurts,” he said, dumbly. 

“Probably because you don’t know how to punch for shit,” Dan said, chuckling. 

He reached out and took Arin’s hand, like it was the most natural thing in the world. Arin was suddenly much more nervous than he’d been in the standoff just a minute before. His eyes darted all over, looking everywhere but Dan, who was unclenching Arin’s fist and examining his fingers. 

“You didn’t have to do that, you know,” Dan said after a moment. He turned Arin’s hand over and brought it close to his face to see it better. “I can handle myself.”

“It was pretty stupid,” Arin agreed, looking out the window. He hoped Dan couldn’t feel his pulse pounding in his fingers. “I’m probably going to get brought up on charges.”

“Nah,” Dan said, streching Arin’s index finger. “Spitting at me was assault, and there were like, three dozen witnesses that will say he shot first. He’ll let it drop.”

Arin nodded, but couldn’t think of anything to say. 

“It was still stupid,” he muttered, finally. 

“Yeah,” Dan said, a smile breaking out over his face. He closed Arin’s hand back into a fist and wrapped his own hands around it, then he brought it close to his face. Arin looked back at him with alarm, breathing in sharply.

“But I appreciated it,” he continued, planting a small kiss on Arin’s middle finger. 

Arin felt himself plunged into a haze, his heart beating out of his chest. 

“Sure,” Arin said. His voice sounded far away. Faint. “I’ll always protect you, you know that.”

“Thank you for that, Big Cat,” Dan purred, kissing up Arin’s knuckles. Arin wanted to whimper each time his lips met skin. His eyes fluttered, overcome with adreneline and desire. “But you have to promise me one thing.”

“What’s that?” Arin whispered, barely able to get the words out.

Dan leaned in close, grinning. He stopped a breath away from Arin’s face, and then finally let go of his hand. Arin braced himself.

“You have to learn how to throw a punch.”


	7. "I shouldn't be in love with you." (Egobang)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I shouldn’t be in love with you” & “Just admit I’m right.” 
> 
> Content warning: infidelity, incredible amounts of angst.

Arin didn’t mean to invite Dan over when Suzy was out of town. It just worked out that way. 

They hadn’t been alone together without recording in weeks. Not since Arin had slipped up and said what he was not supposed to say. He’d ducked into rooms and out of cars, anything to avoid him, trying avoid the very conversation he was now being forced to have.

And now he was going to have it alone, in his house, when his wife wouldn’t be around for another day.

He jumped when the doorbell rang. He took his time going to open it. He had no idea what he was going to say when he got there. When he finally did, Dan smiled at him and held out a pizza box. 

“I brought pizza,” he said, eyes bright. He bounced on the balls of his feet as Arin took the box and invited him in. 

Dan was antsy. He kept tapping his jeans, just above his knee, to some rhythm Arin couldn’t place. 

Arin walked to the kitchen and placed the box on the counter. He flipped it open to check the toppings and smiled. 

“You want a piece?” he asked, speaking for the first time since Dan arrived.

“Um… no,” Dan said, chuckling from the corner of the kitchen. He leaned against the counter, gazing at Arin with his arms crossed. “I’m not really hungry.”

“Me neither,” Arin said. He tried to laugh, but it sounded forced. He turned around and tried to look Dan in the eyes, but he couldn’t bring himself to do it. He ended up settling for his shoes. 

“So, um,” he said, tucking a piece of hair behind his ear, “why… what did you want to talk about?”

Dan sighed, looking up at the ceiling. When he spoke, his voice sounded broken and low.

“You lied to me the other day, man.”

Arin felt his stomach drop. Even though he’d known what was coming, it still crushed him to hear Dan say it. He tried to steady his breathing, to get ready to defend himself. 

“I want to know why,” Dan continued. “And why you keep saying you didn’t.”  
Arin looked up long enough to see Dan looking at him, eyes heavy and sad. A shot like electricity struck Arin as their eyes met, and looked away quickly.

“I don’t…" 

Arin could feel himself running out of breath, already winded from the conversation. 

“I don’t know what you want me to say,” he said, finally.

“Just admit I’m right,” Dan said, low and quick. “You meant what you said the other night on the phone. It wasn’t some stupid prank. You have feelings for me.”

All of Arin’s emotions started rising in his chest as he heard this. Panic rushed to his ears to try and block out the sound, and regret filled his mouth. It tasted like pennies. He looked up at Dan, and through the haze he could see the older man’s expression, pleading. 

He was glad they were on opposite sides of the kitchen. He wanted to touch him so badly.

“I can’t,” Arin said, finally. 

But the temptation was palpable. He could feel it, he could practically taste the words dancing on the tip of his tongue: “I love you.” When he’d finally said it the other night, after years and years of fighting to hold it back, it had been a gift. Like speaking to another human being after years of solitude. For the first time in years, he hadn’t felt alone. 

And then, of course, he’d panicked. He’d worried about Game Grumps, and Suzy, and his relationship with Dan, and halfway through explaining how it had all happened, he’d started laughing. 

‘I can’t believe you fell for it,’ he’d said. ‘This is better than Updog!’

But now that it was out, it wasn’t so easy to put back in. 

And all Arin wanted to tell Dan the truth. 

“I can’t,” he repeated instead. 

“Why not?” Dan demanded. His voice was quiet but intense, so controlled. “Because it’s not true? Or… because it is?”

“I shouldn’t be in love with you!” Arin said, struggling to control the volume of his own voice. “I can’t… I CAN’T be in love with you. Do you understand?”

Arin looked up, desperately. He was searching Dan’s face, trying to find a spark of understanding, anything to let him know that Dan got it. But all he saw were Dan’s eyes, sad and confused, and his heart stopped. 

“I…” Dan said. He bit his lip as he looked at Arin. 

Arin sighed, and then he started walking toward Dan. It started with a step, and then another step, and then another, until suddenly, he was right in front of Dan. Dan tried to pull back, but he couldn’t. He was leaning on the counter, his back pressed against it. Nowhere to run. 

Arin took his hand, holding two fingers between his own. He heard Dan breathe in sharply as skin met skin.

“Do you understand?” Arin asked again, staring into Dan’s eyes.

“I think so?” Dan said quietly.

“I shouldn’t love you. I can’t. So I don’t. Do you get it?" 

Before Arin finished speaking, Dan was nodding, but Arin leaned in anyway, bringing his face within inches of Dan’s. Their foreheads bumped together as Dan continued to nod, Arin’s breathy questions brushing past his ears.

"I get it,” Dan whispered. His breath smelled like tea and toothpaste.

“But I love you,” Arin said. It came out suddenly, like he couldn’t hold it anymore. He hadn’t even known he was going to say it.

Dan nodded.

“I know.”

“Okay,” Arin said, nodding slightly.

“I love you too.”

Arin sucked in a breath, the tiniest of gasps. He tried to pull back, to get a better view of Danny’s face, but Dan grabbed his wrists and he couldn’t get away.

“You–”

“I love you too, Arin. Even though I shouldn’t.”

Arin was overcome. His vision went blurry, like his eyes were filling with tears, and all he could see was Dan’s face swimming in front of him. He nodded.  
And then he leaned in to kiss Dan, eyes closing.

But just as their lips were about to meet, he felt a hand on his chest stopping him. When he opened his eyes, Dan’s head was cocked to the side, avoiding him. 

“Dan–”

“Stop,” Dan said, firmly. He sounded angry. 

“But I–”

“You’re married,” he said, gruffly.

Arin pulled away again, and this time, Dan dropped his hands and let him go. The gap between them widened. After their closeness before, it felt like miles. Arin could feel his heart aching for him to go back.

“I know,” Arin said. 

“I’m not helping you cheat on Suzy,” Dan continued. 

“It’s not like that,” Arin protested. But he knew Dan was right. He felt his heart dip, falling into a bottomless pit.

“I don’t care. You’re married. And as much as I want to kiss you… fuck, Arin, I want to so bad–”

“I do too,” Arin cut in. His body leaned forward again, against his will. The air between them was so thick, Arin couldn’t think straight. “Fuck it, Dan, I just want to…”

And Arin leaned in again, but this time he was pushed back. 

“Stop!” Dan said, loudly. His eyes were shining, and he looked away. 

Arin stepped back a few feet, giving Dan some room to breathe. His own eyes were stinging. He didn’t think he’d ever felt so crushed before.

“I’m sorry,” he said quietly.

Dan nodded. Then he stopped and looked up. 

“I think I should go,” he said.

“Okay.”

“I’ll… call you.”

“Okay.”

As Dan brushed past him, he put one hand on Arin’s shoulder and squeezed. He didn’t say anything as he stepped out of the kitchen. Arin was trying to avoid looking at him, staring at the floor. But when he heard Dan open the door, he turned around at the last minute and saw him walking out the door. He stared after Dan until the door closed all the way and he heard the car leaving the drive way. 

Then he collapsed onto the kitchen floor and started to cry.


	8. "I just need you right now." (Egobang)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Content warning: Jealousy

Dan came over as soon as he called. 

“You,” he’d said, when Dan had asked what he needed. “I just need you right now.”

When he got to the house, most of the lights were off. He couldn’t see anything from the outside. The sun had just set, and the world was blue and still. Dan strode to the door and opened it without knocking. Inside, everything was dark and grey. 

Arin was curled up on the couch, his pajama bottomed knees pulled up to his face. He was illuminated by his phone, which he was staring at blankly.  
“She’s not texting back,” he said quietly. 

Dan felt something ache in his chest, and crossed over to the couch and sat.   
“When was the last time you heard from her?” he asked, putting his hand on Arin’s shoulder. It was tense but warm, and when he squeezed, Arin relaxed a little and leaned into Dan’s body. 

“Thirty minutes ago,” he said. He sounded a little like he was pouting. Dan wrapped his arm around him, pulling the man into a tight embrace. 

“How often did she say she’d text you?”

Arin dug his face into Dan’s shirt. Dan could feel his breath as he inhaled and let it out, a long, embarrassed sigh. Hot breath against his chest. 

“Every hour,” Arin mumbled into the fabric. 

Dan suppressed a laugh, but he couldn’t hide the smile.

“Well, she’s on a date. She’s probably not looking at her phone. I’m sure she’s fine,” Dan reassured him, squeezing him with his arm and pulling him closer, if that was even possible. 

“Me too,” Arin said, somewhat indignantly.

Dan nodded. 

“…but I’m still jealous,” Arin continued, quietly.

Dan felt that ache in his chest again, and he reached over and tilted Arin’s head up. As he pulled away from Dan’s chest, Arin’s eyes looked wide and afraid.

“Why are you jealous?” Dan asked, kissing Arin’s forehead gently.

“I’m just scared that… that she’s gonna realize that she’s wonderful and she could have any guy she wanted, and that I–”

“You think she doesn’t know that?” Dan interjected. “That she’s wonderful? Fuck, you tell her every day.” He laughed.

Arin’s voice was strained and quiet.

“Clearly not, if she’s still with me.”

“Baby, no,” Dan said, pulling away for a moment. 

It came out louder than he’d expected, but he was surprised. He’d never seen this side of his boyfriend before. He knew it was there; he knew that Arin had bouts of insecurity and self doubt. He’d heard about them. Arin had told him when they’d started dating a few months before, and Dan had long suspected that there was more vulnerability hiding under the surface than Arin cared to share.

But he’d never seen it. And it was breaking his heart.

But Arin had called him here to see it. Dan remembered all the times he’d been jealous. At this point, he felt like a pro.

After he and Arin had started dating, he had been unbelievably jealous of Suzy. He’d been jealous in old relationships, of course, plenty of times. But this ate him up. What he felt when Arin went home to his wife after their dates, when they would go out and Arin would text her an update - it was like his whole body was rejecting it. He felt like he couldn’t eat, or sleep. He sometimes felt like he’d lost the core of himself. 

He’d been so scared and lonely. And Arin and Suzy had been there.

“Suzy loves you,” Dan said, firmly. “Suzy loves you, and I love you, and we both think you’re amazing.”

Arin nodded. Slowly, like he didn’t believe it. 

“I’m here for you, love,” Dan said. “Just tell me how you feel, and I’ll hold you. I’ll stay right here.”


	9. Capable (Egobang)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Hey, hey, calm down. They can’t hurt you anymore.”
> 
> Content warning: violence, blood, hate crime, homophobic slurs.

Dan is on the ground when Arin finds him. He’s leaning against the wall, head bowed, his body crumpled up unnaturally. Arin’s heart skips a beat when he sees him, fearing the worst.

“Dan!” he yells, his voice cracking as he rushes over.

The older man looks up at the sound of his name, and for a moment, Arin feels a rush of relief. Until he gets close enough to see Dan’s face.

“What happened to you?” Arin asks. His voice might be louder now than when he was looking for him, walking the streets in this strange city and yelling his name. “You’re– Jesus, you’re fucking bleeding–”

But that’s not all, Arin realizes. He collapses on the ground in front of him, instinctively covering Dan from the outside world, and as he does, he gets a closer look at his face. In the evening darkness, Arin can just make it out. He’s bruised, his lip is busted in two places, there’s a cut above his eyebrow. And he’s crying.

He’s not making a sound, but tears are streaming down his face, and every few breaths he takes is labored and shuddery. He reaches out and grasps Arin’s hoodie with both hands, choking out words that Arin can’t understand, burying his face in Arin’s neck.

Arin almost can’t believe that a few hours ago, they were laughing in the lobby of the hotel, figuring out where to meet for dinner.

He feels a warm wave of regret wash over him as he remembers. This was his fault. He’d waited too long at the restaurant before looking. He should have texted him sooner. He should have insisted on going with him to the pharmacy, instead of letting Dan walk alone in a city they didn’t know. Once he started worrying about where Dan was, it was already too late.

“What happened?” he asks Dan again. He’s trying not to sound angry, because he’s not - not at Dan.

“I don’t know,” Dan chokes out, the first words Arin can understand. “They wanted to hurt me. They knew– how did they know?”

“People did this to you?” Arin asks for clarification. “Multiple people?”

“They were men. Four of them. Not huge. Smaller than me. But they knew? They were so angry with me, and they wanted to hurt me, I thought they were going to kill me, Arin, I’m sorry, I thought I was going to–”

But that’s all Arin can understand before Dan starts choking, his voice lost again to the sobs.

“Hey, hey, calm down,” Arin says softly. He gently wraps his arms around Dan, shivering and still clutching his hoodie. He can feel the man’s staggered breath against his chest. “They can’t hurt you anymore.”

As he says this, Dan jerks away sharply.

“But what about me?” he asks, eyes red and wild. “Who will I hurt?”

Arin falters, letting go of Dan as the man pulls away. There’s an ache where his body was just a moment ago.

“I don’t understan–”

“I hurt them, Arin,” Dan says. He bows his head again, and his voice is so quiet. “I hurt one of them pretty bad.”

Behind them, a car passes. The headlights briefly illuminate their spot on the ground, and Arin can see Dan clearly for the first time. He looks terrified. And it’s not just his face that’s bloody. So are his knuckles.

Dan flinches away from the light, and then, just as suddenly as it appeared, the car is gone, and the two of them are alone again on the street.

“I’m sure it was in self defense,” Arin says, finally. He doesn’t know what else to say.

“It’s not self defense if I wanted to do it,” Dan mutters.

It takes Arin a moment to fully put all the words together into something that means anything, but even before he fully understands, he starts shaking his head.

“No way,” he says. “No way. You’re D//aniel A//vidan, you’d never–”

“What, hurt someone?” Dan shouts. The effort of it seems to rock him, and he brings a bloody fist to his mouth to feel a cut on his lip. When he pulls it away, he examines it, like it’s a mildly interesting book, and not his own blood that he’s studying. After a few seconds, he slams his fist onto his knee.

“How would you know what I’m capable of, Arin? Just a few hours ago, I didn’t even know.”

Arin watches, heart pounding.

“What are you capable of, Dan?” he asks, softly. His voice is thick. He thinks he might be about to cry.

“Capable of beating the shit out of four guys. Four assholes,” Dan corrects himself. His voice is lowering as he speaks, dropping into a gravelly level. He sounds exhausted. “They followed me back from the pharmacy.”

“What did they want?” Arin asks. “Drugs?”

Dan shakes his head, and the tears start to fall again.

“No,” he says, his hair falling over his voice. His voice is strained and cracks. “They thought I was going to some– I don’t know where, but they thought I was– they KNEW that I am–”

But he can’t get the words out, and the sobs take over again.

Arin reaches out. Grabs Dan’s hands and squeezes. He’s desperately seeking the other man’s face, but it’s hidden by the dark and the hair and the tears.

But at his touch, Dan seems to rally, and he takes a huge gasp of air before continuing.

“They started following me,” Dan says, quickly. He’s racing to get the words out. “They asked if I was going to some club, and I said no, I’m meeting a friend for dinner– I shouldn’t have said anything, if I hadn’t–”

“Dan.”

“Right. Anyway. They asked if they could– if they could join? I just laughed. But then the leader, I guess, the biggest one, he stepped in front–” here Dan starts speaking so quickly that Arin almost can’t understand him, “–and asked me whatsofunnyfaggot.”

Then he stops, like he’s waiting for something. Arin can hear him panting.

“They… wait,” Arin says, putting it together. “Wait, they thought you were gay?”

Dan shrugs.

“They–” his voice cracks. He starts over. “They kept calling me faggot. Queer. They– it made me so mad, Arin.”

“Of course it did,” Arin “These assclowns were harassing you because they thought you were gay. That’s like on another level of fucked up–”

“No,” Dan interrupts, quietly. “That’s not why.”

Arin stares at him. Their hands are still clasped, and Dan seems to realize that too, because he starts to pull them back, but Arin holds them tigher.

“Arin,” Dan says, his voice warning.

“Dan,” Arin parrots. Like he’s joking.

But he’s not smiling.

He can’t smile. His veins are filled with ice. His whole body is frozen, except for where his hands touch Dan’s. There it burns like fire.

“I was so mad,” Dan laughs. It’s bitter. “I kicked his fucking ass because I was so pissed that he knew.”

“What did he know?” Arin asks.

He knows the answer.

“My whole life, I’ve tried to pretend it isn’t there,” Dan continues, like he didn’t hear. “I was so scared– I was positive that if people found out, if they knew, they’d hate me.”

He laughs again, less angry this time. Arin just stares, alarmed.

“And these guys? They hated me anyway. They knew just by looking at me.”

Then Dan pulls Arin close, yanking him off his knees, and he’s falling against Dan. He breathes in, surprised, and he can smell the sweat and blood and everything.

“And I just thought about you – about how you were the only one who really matters and you didn’t even know, and these assholes did – and I just started swinging.”

“And then they kicked your ass?” Arin ventures. There’s a lump in his throat that he can’t seem to swallow.

“I thought I’d kill him,” Dan whispers. “I wanted to kill him. I just wanted to see you again, to tell you how I feel–”

“Shh,” Arin says, cutting him off. “They’re gone now.”

“There were too many of them, I couldn’t fight– but I’m glad, I just… they wanted to hurt me so bad, Arin.”

“They’re gone now,” Arin repeats, bringing Dan’s fingers to his lips. “They’re gone now, and I’m here. And you can tell me whatever you want to tell me.”


End file.
